– Anna & Laurent (Rhône-Alpes region)

OUR TESTIMONY:

I- THE DISCOVERY OF THE UNTHINKABLE

We are in the year 2008, and our son obtained his Bac ES (baccalaureate degree in economics and social sciences) as an independent candidate. Then, he obtained a university diploma (DU) in one year. It was an experimental training, and he was enthusiastic about it. He received praises from his professors. Gifted in negotiation, he started working in the telecommunications industry, meeting many people. He was a bit overexcited, but it was the youth, we thought.

One day, one of his friends raised the alarm in December 2010. We had no idea, especially since our son had always defended the weak and nature. He was anti-cigarette, very sociable and gentle, sensitive to justice and non-judgmental.

• At first, we didn’t believe it; it wasn’t possible that the child we had raised, whom we thought we knew well, consumed drugs, and not just a little. The sky fell on us, but we had to face the fact: Alex had entered into toxic dependence. It was visible: his plans did not materialize, he started a course but stopped midway, then he went through a heartbreak that put him in great distress. He lost his drive, his will, and his life was no longer paced like that of a healthy young man.

• We looked at the photos of the last three years: it was evident when we looked at the photos, especially his eyes; there was physical degradation, and, above all, he no longer smiled, he was very thin; the circle of friends had disappeared, social life was gradually extinguishing because his life revolved around consuming products that emptied his mind.

• We consulted a psychologist, then we undertook family sessions. Frank and direct, the psychologist said: it is addiction that is directing your son. We had to face the fact: it was not just a passing phase.

• A general practitioner told us: Try to take him away from his usual environment. We organized a departure to Italy, then to the south of France, for a resumption of studies, but it was a total failure. He was no longer capable of self-management after four years of consumption.

II- REACTIONS OF THE REST OF THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS

1. The family, the grandparents

• Some understood and followed our instructions: no giving money, no accommodation.

• With some other family members, it was denial, it was hell paved with good intentions. We were told that we did not know how to handle the situation, and they interfered, which was not really helpful for our son’s well-being.

• The reactions were unpredictable; it was not easy to find the right help at the right time.

2. What about his sister? She is 2.5 years younger than our son.

• She was at the forefront because our family life was parasitized. To cope, she needed to distance herself and had to undergo psychological support. Like us, she also went on a spiritual journey.

• In the worst moments, she begged us to pick ourselves up, to do something for ourselves, to feel better. According to her psychologist: “You cannot bear this problem on behalf of your parents”; she felt like she was playing the role of the parents because we were so shattered.

3. Some of our close friends said:

• “We don’t recognize you anymore; you need to take care of yourselves,” but everything revolves around our son, in fact.

• A couple of friends

III – AND US, PARENTS, WHAT WAS OUR FIRST REACTION TO THIS TSUNAMI?

1. At first, we isolated ourselves around our suffering.

We cut ourselves off from everyone; few people know the tragedy that is unfolding in our family. We no longer sleep at night because apart from the feeling of guilt, the feeling of failure, we ask ourselves tons of questions:

o Drug addiction: what is it exactly? How do we fight it, with what means; what are the possible solutions…?

2. We live in fear of what may happen to our son. Our lives have changed in a world where we don’t want to be, but which is imposed on us. We become “investigators” to find out what our son is doing, with whom he is, what he is using.

We are afraid that the worst will happen someday. Sometimes our son sends distressing messages by SMS; sometimes insulting messages, because under the influence of drugs, he is uninhibited. The adorable baby that you cuddled, raised, accompanied in his life, at school, in sports, on walks, is now a prisoner of this addiction. On the advice of a psychiatrist friend, we have him hospitalized at the request of a third party. In other words, our son is hospitalized in a psychiatric setting for a 15-day observation period that is supposed to serve as an addictive break and see how he copes with this forced withdrawal.

Another two years go by, with ups and downs, with borderline states when he consumes too much (he runs away several times to Amsterdam); we are torn inside, with the fear of reliving what we have already experienced. It should be known that drug addiction inevitably accompanies physical degradation; impact on our son’s health: lymphedema (with swelling of the legs); there are times when we lose hope of seeing our son resume a professional life, or at least a “normal” young life.

IV-IN A SECOND TIME, WE SEEK SUPPORT FROM THE MEDICAL CORPS

To our great dismay, we realize that the “medical system” has its limits, its own interpretations, whether it be the general practitioner, the addiction specialists (who happen to be psychiatrists), our contacts with them are confusing, demoralizing. Many of them consider drug addiction to be a psychiatric illness. Their discourse is as follows: addiction is a disease; if he doesn’t want to withdraw, he’s an adult, it’s his freedom, but we can prescribe him a substitution treatment, without a time limit. This is called “stabilizing” the person, but we don’t talk about recovery (as in the anonymous fraternities we discover later).

In fact, there is a strong tendency to medicalize or even “psychiatrize” addiction (which Dr. Olivenstein denounced). →2 hospitalizations in a psychiatric setting only add unnecessary suffering; tobacco and cannabis circulate in psychiatric services, you should know. →2 stays in a detox clinic; but in some detox centers, you are asked to be… detoxed 90% before entering detox, to guarantee the success of detox, but without support on exit. His sister exclaims: “they are asked to be detoxed before entering detox, it is not consistent!”. →Finally, one day we managed to set up a detox protocol with a woman general practitioner, the first one who had the courage to undertake a real support and follow-up of our son. →Then the lockdown comes because of Covid: 2 years during which no addiction service works (we no longer receive patients), 2 years of status quo. What we learn from these episodes is that a detox can be organized over 2 or 3 weeks, or a few weeks if you want to take your time; but

, the most important thing is not to relapse, and for a recovery to last, it’s like repairing a building, it needs a “support,” support to abstinence. And that’s where the problem lies; aside from occasional consultations with an addiction specialist, the drug addict lives alone: either at home, if they have the means and the ability, or with their family, where it is difficult to establish boundaries and where relationships are not always good, as you may have understood.

Like many young addicts, our son works very little or not at all. Without resources, he relies on RSA, then on the AAH allowance (a system that maintains him in another addiction: it is compensation, but there is no safeguard to fight against addictive behavior).

We are forced to question the medical profession: why does their posture as “knowers” hurt our hearts as parents? Would they have the same attitude if it were their child? Why does our anger rise when we face them, when sometimes they are willing to receive us (because our son is of legal age)?

We finally manage to articulate our thoughts: our fight is a fight for regained freedom, not for “stabilization” in a state of social dependency.

V- WE, PARENTS, FINALLY UNDERSTAND THAT WE MUST TAKE OUR OWN PATH IF WE WANT TO HELP OUR SON

A-So, for several months, we have researched and met with “credible” witnesses:

• We have read a large number of testimonial books, including Laurent GAY’s.
• We also read Dr. Olivenstein’s books; he said, “There are no happy drug addicts”; he provides concrete explanations on how to effectively help addicted individuals.
• We have attended conferences, especially those where they clearly explain what today’s cannabis is, what its real harmfulness is, while many people use it recreationally without realizing anything (Cf. Laurent GAY).

B-We made sure to maintain a connection with our son, have a minimum of family life; we tried family vacations to “forget all this.” One day, facing the ocean he loved as a child, our son said to us, “the ocean hasn’t changed, it’s me who has changed,” tears in his eyes in a moment of lucidity.

C-We expanded the space in our tent, as stated in the Bible. One day, a couple of friends told us about a God who forgives and saves; this was the beginning of a quick path of conversion for us, for our daughter, and hopefully soon for our son too (because he does not reject faith). We have accepted spiritual accompaniment. However, our son’s healing takes time; many seeds are sown, which have not necessarily yielded many results, in view of the efforts invested, but what is certain is that we do not give up. Where there is a will, there is a way. We continue to fight, but with faith. We need to accept being told: it is not you who will save your son, only God saves: strength and courage, he tells us, but also patience!

CONCLUSION

In fact, our wandering ends the day we decide to meet the young people who have overcome addiction. What have we discovered?

At that moment, we discover that, although each story is different, what drug addicts have in common is an existential quest, a deep wound of which they often have no idea because consumption makes them lose the thread of their own history. Coming from affluent or modest backgrounds, this does not change the problem.

→ Those who have succeeded have allowed us to understand the psychology of addiction, and above all, the concrete means to get out of it. Finally, a message of hope, but hard to hear. As they testified to us

(Simon, Bernard, Jean, Alban, Guillaume, and Cristina, Camille, Thérèse, Marie, and many others):

1. Addiction marginalizes us. It puts a finger in the process of social exclusion.

2. Addiction attacks the will: the person is not able to take control of themselves to change, they need support. Without support, they seek to live on social welfare: this is the lot of many drug-dependent individuals who seek compensation in the system; all testimonies agree.

3. For a long time, they are in denial; denial means that it hurts to face reality, inside there is a wounded child, there is no more self-esteem, and so outside, we victimize ourselves. The refusal to be helped persists for a long time.

4. It is only when they fall very low, hit rock bottom, feel the lack of everything (family, friends, financial means, roof, food, hygiene, etc…) and the loss of friends (deaths from overdose, for example) that they finally react by accepting help… Understand: let them hit rock bottom, hoping to see them react…

This was the case for our son. Who went through most of these stages.

➔ Those who have come out of it have given us the means to understand how to move beyond the stage of addiction and get back into LIFE: Through living in a community, alongside peers who have experienced the same pitfalls related to addiction, it is a matter of fighting against: a. ISOLATION: loneliness is bad advice; addiction cannot be treated by staying at home; break away from the usual living environment (family). b. INACTIVITY: limited horizon due to dependence, always returning to the desire to consume. c. EXCLUSION d. PHYSICAL DEGRADATION / having a healthy lifestyle, real daily support And in parallel: e. REBUILDING self-esteem becomes crucial: “he is a bum in his room” (this is a former drug addict saying this); it is urgent to work on rebuilding oneself, taking into account one’s personal history. f. finally becoming an ACTOR in one’s recovery: otherwise left to oneself, one’s universe revolves around itself and remains a consumer (of treatments, social assistance, etc.) g. by being HELPED BY PEERS, finding a perspective for the future, because they have experienced the same thing and know the difficult passages, doubts, pitfalls to avoid – according to the Minnesota model, proposed by Christian communities and also by anonymous fraternities (narcotics anonymous) As parents, we remain convinced that only this experience of living in a community can allow for a radical change, the return of the desire to live, the restart of the will to get out, relying on this indispensable peer support.

Because:

1- We have received the living and true testimony of young people who have come out of it; they have regained their joy of living, their social life, their projects, a family life

2- We have also seen this support model working from the inside, by experiencing immersion in the community, and what our eyes have seen is remarkable: life regained, joy regained, peace regained. And we have learned a lot about ourselves, parents. Since meeting these “saved, healed” young people, our hearts have been calmed.

For our son, there have been small steps, small progress; many things have been sown, through providential people he has met with whom he has taken a step forward, events and information that have been resources for understanding, including psychotherapists who are more gifted than others; all of this takes time to germinate. Our son is undergoing therapy with a psychologist and he is sticking to it,

that’s already something. The rest is in the hands of the Lord.

Humanly speaking, we have done everything we could for our son; he is now 33 years old. A word of knowledge was spoken to us in Paray-le-Monial a few years ago: the Lord is at work!

Many verses from the Bible have helped us through this rough sea. We would now like to share some among many others that have sustained us:

Isaiah 43:16-21 

Mark 11:24 

Jeremiah 29:11